


Waking Up Next To You (Is Like When Other People Get to go Back to Bed and Keep Dreaming)

by toewsandconfused



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe: Prep School, Alternate Universe: Record Shop, Eva from Goon has a cameo, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-17
Updated: 2013-10-17
Packaged: 2017-12-29 15:37:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1007123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toewsandconfused/pseuds/toewsandconfused
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jeff is fourteen he ducks into a record shop to escape the sophomores who have decided to make his existence a living hell. He's got blood running down from his split lip soaking into the white button up shirt that his school requires him to wear.  Eric has been that kid, the terrified outcast with a bullseye on his back so he takes pity on him, gives him a Joy Division t-shirt and a burned cd.  Eric doesn't know that this kid will change everything, that this kid would be his undoing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Waking Up Next To You (Is Like When Other People Get to go Back to Bed and Keep Dreaming)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [xornej](https://archiveofourown.org/users/xornej/gifts), [Zarfe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zarfe/gifts).



> Full disclosure: The working title of this fic was "Warmer in the Basement" after the Cobra Starship song, it was supposed to be dark and kind of evil. Like kidnapping and non-con sex. But I couldn't write it Eric and Jeff like that. So then the working title was "Eric the Reluctant Pedophile" (as inspired by a Hannibal Burress joke). But it was increasingly difficult to make Eric pervy because my natural inclination is to make him sweet and big-brotherly. So this story became watered down and my interest waned. The end was supposed to be a lot longer but after six months of little to no progress, I just finished it so it would be done. That being said, I hope you enjoy it. It's not the fic I started out writing but it's pretty okay. Also, I haven't proof read it. So along with the spelling/grammar errors, there are probably timeline errors because I rushed things there at the end. 
> 
> The mix/art is amazing and you should all check it out [here](http://m.8tracks.com/mixes/2504036).

When Jeff was fourteen he sought refuge in a record shop to escape the sophomores who had decided to make his life a living hell. He had blood running down from his split lip soaking into the white button up shirt that his school required him to wear. He figured there was some on his tie as well, but he was less worried about that, he had enough that his mom won't notice it missing. The button up shirts his mother kept a close eye on, every Friday all five shirts were sent to the dry cleaners. Jeff's dad grew up rich, he heard the term "old money" but his mother had not. While his mother enjoyed the affluent lifestyle she was trying to teach Jeff the value of money. She would not be pleased that he had ruined another one of his shirts. Jeff wished she was more concerned about why his shirts were getting covered in blood. Apparently there were some things she couldn't be bothered to teach him. But Jeff had seen the way she acted after too many drinks. She wasn't the right person to teach him about self-preservation. Or self-respect.

Jeff braved a glance out the window, the boys were only a year ahead of him but they were a lot bigger and made a game out of his misery. He didn't see anyone on the street and thought about trying to make it home when he heard someone clear their throat. Looking up Jeff felt his stomach knot up and this time it had nothing to do with the bullies he was avoiding. The man behind the register was tall and blonde, he was wearing a faded black t-shirt with the words "Meat is Murder" across it. Jeff could see some tattoos peeking out from under his sleeves and a few black bracelets around his wrist. When he stepped around the counter Jeff could see his jeans were tattered from use, not from fashion. It was at that moment Jeff realized the older boys had been correct. Jeff looked up into the eyes of the clerk and he couldn't speak, couldn't even look away. Jeff heard the taunts echo in the back of his mind but now he knew them to be true. Jeff was a fag.

Later he'd learn not to use words like fag, but at that moment all he could think was that things were finally making sense. He never thought much of girls. He liked to skate with them because they were graceful and delicate, unlike the guys who were sloppy and brutal but he never understood why the guys wanted to kiss them. But now Jeff kind of understood. Because he knew it would hurt, the way his lip was split open, but despite the threat of pain, he wanted to kiss the older man.

"You okay kid?" Jeff tried to frown but the pain in his lip was sharp. He hoped he wasn't blushing, it was a terrible habit that he couldn't control, he didn't want the older man to see him as a kid. Not for the first time he wished he were bigger, older. He wouldn't be blood soaked and cowering in a corner, he could walk confidently up to the man and ask him out. Jeff had never thought about asking someone out before but he'd seen it in the sappy movies his mom liked so he knew it started with small talk and a smile. But he wasn't bigger or older. He was just a little boy who needed to feel safe and the older man must have realized that because he crossed the room and gave Jeff a small smile, "C'mon, let's get you cleaned up."

Jeff was young but he wasn't stupid, he knew going off with a strange man, even one as gorgeous as this one, wasn't smart. But his feet were moving without his permission and he reasoned that the man probably wouldn't hurt him while on shift. Jeff had never heard of someone getting murdered in the break room of a record store. The tall man, Eric, the name tag he wore on a lanyard around his neck said, lead him through a door marked "Staff Only". Jeff felt oddly, well, cool. He had never been in the back of a record store before, he almost wished the kids at school could see him now.

Eric nodded to a beat up folding chair next to a sink half full of dirty dishes, "Have a seat." Jeff sat while Eric turned on the water and grabbed a roll of paper towels. He watched as Eric tore off a handful, he was mesmerized by the way his muscles in his forearm moved under his pale skin. He tried not to stare at the black lines inching up under Eric's shirt sleeve, his mother raised him not to stare. But it was difficult. Jeff hadn't met anyone with tattoos. Sure he'd seen a few people on the bus, but he'd never had a conversation with any of them. "You gonna tell me your name? Or what happened?" Eric crouched down a little bit so they were eye level, "You can talk, right?"

The blush was back and he hoped it would escape Eric's notice, "Jeff." He licked his lips, a nervous habit that he wasn't aware of until he tasted the sting of copper and realized he was tasting his own blood. "I'm Jeff, I..." he struggled how to explain what happened. Eric wouldn't understand, he had never been small and awkward. Jeff knew just by looking at him Eric had always been strong and confident.

Eric must have sensed something because before Jeff could finish he reached up with a damp paper towel, "Hold still, lemme get you cleaned up." Jeff was grateful that it was his lip that was bleeding so he lacked the ability to speak. He didn't have to explain how being the smallest meant you were fair game to all the jock assholes. He also didn't want to talk about the names they called him and how they were probably right.

The few seconds it took for Eric to clean the blood off of his face were some of the longest of his life, while simultaneously being entirely too short. Hours later he would swear (if he had someone to talk to about this kind of thing) that he could feel the ghost of Eric's left hand cradling his jaw, while his right had wiped the blood off of his face. He was meticulous in his movements, studying Jeff carefully to ensure he hadn't missed anything before standing back up, "Well Jeff, I'm sorry to say it but I think that shirt of yours is ruined."

His shirt? Jeff couldn't be bothered to think about this shirt when his head was spinning with revelations brought on by nothing more than a tall stranger with a kind smile. He felt like his entire world had been thrown off kilter in the last twenty minutes. Nothing was the same. He wasn't the same. He wondered if he mother would be able to tell that he was different. Or if she'd only care about the blood on his shirt. He shrugged, looking down at his shirt and tie, they'd both end up in the trash. Eric looked like he might ask about his lip again, so he said the first thing that came into his mind, "Are you a vegetarian?"

Eric had stood up to clear the bloody paper towels off of the counter but his movements stopped as he looked down at Jeff curiously, "What?" Jeff still felt a little nervous speaking to Eric so he just looked pointedly at the words on Eric's shirt, Meat Is Murder. The confusion on Eric's face made Jeff's stomach twist, made his heart race. But it was nothing compared to the way his entire body responded to the smile on Eric's face. "It's the name of an album." he explained, patient and surprisingly without condescension, "By The Smiths."

The blank look on Jeff's face must have given him away because Eric was crossing the room quickly, muttering something involving ‘kids’ and ‘good music’. But he sounded more excited than angry and that caught Jeff off guard. He was used to being scolded when he disappointed his father and Eric was obviously disappointed that Jeff didn't know who The Smiths were. Eric pulled open a beat up, rusty locker, none of them actually locked, all of them covered in stickers of bands Jeff had never heard of. The backpack Eric pulled out had obviously seen better days, it was covered in patches with band names like "The Misfits" and "The Cure" and he was pretty sure the patches were covering actual holes. Like Eric's pants, they weren't purely cosmetic. 

Eric rifled through the bag and pulled out a cd, turning it over to check for scratches before handing it to Jeff, "You need to get educated. This is one of my favorite mix cds, everything from Elliott Smith to The Smiths." Eric laughed as if he'd just made an hilarious joke, Jeff took the cd and thanked softly. He couldn't figure out why Eric was being so nice to him when kids his own age would rather punch him in the lip.

Eric also grabbed a wadded up black t-shirt from the bottom of his bag. He smelled it, shrugged and tossed it towards Jeff, "Here. You can change in the bathroom." Jeff looked at the material curiously, as if it might suddenly have all the answered as to how he ended up in the back room of a record shop with a beautiful man giving him a mixed cd. "I can't send you outta here covered in blood. My parents raised me better than that." Jeff started to insist that he was fine, but Eric leveled him with one look and Jeff went to change immediately.

Jeff returned from the bathroom in a wrinkled t-shirt that says, "Love Will Tear Us Apart" on the front and "Joy Division" on the back. Jeff didn't tell Eric that he wasn't sure which was the name of the band. The shirt was far too big on him but Jeff felt like that might be the theme of the day. He wasn't big enough to fill the shirt, wasn't big enough to fend off bullies or kiss the record store clerk. But he was getting there. He was growing, maturing; slowly but surely. In fact he was almost positive, in Eric's shirt, that he was a little taller than he was when he woke up.

Standing awkwardly in the middle of the record shop, Jeff eyed Eric trying to ensure he wasn’t being obvious. He wanted to ask about the tattoos, about all the patches on his backpack. But he had embarrassed himself enough for one day so he sent a shy smile towards the older man, "Thanks... You know... For everything."

Jeff was used to being dismissed by adults, so he was surprised when Eric looked him in the eye and said, "You're welcome." Not, don't worry about it, not, don't mention it, not even, it's no big deal. Because it was a big deal. It was enormous although Jeff realized that Eric probably didn't understand the full gravity of the situation.

"How old are you?" he didn't expect the question from Eric so he was surprised when it echoed through the aisles of records.

Hesitation took hold, he knew how old he wanted to be. He wanted to be old enough for tattoos and rock concerts. Wanted to be old enough to not be afraid. "Sixteen." he answered, trying to stand a little taller as if that would convince anyone he was older than he actually was when everything about his appearance made him look impossibly young.

Eric just raised an eyebrow, Jeff wasn't sure how he could tell but he knew Eric wasn't upset that he lied, he's upset that he didn't lie well. Jeff scratched the back of his neck, trying once more, "Fifteen." Still the eyebrow stayed raised and Eric offered an amused smile, saying, try again, without saying anything at all. "Soon. I will be fifteen soon." it must have been the despair in his voice that convinced Eric that he was telling the truth. Jeff was grateful Eric believed him because he knew he looked twelve. His mom told him he'd appreciate his youth when he got older, but when she said it, her eyes drifted and the unsettled feeling in his stomach said she was no longer talking about him.

"I have a brother your age." is the only explanation Jeff gets, Eric had that same faraway look in his eyes. Before either of them could say anything more the phone on the counter started to ring. Eric reached for it and when he looked up, Jeff was gone.

\---

When Jeff finally got home he spent a long time studying himself in the mirror. He knew rationally that nothing had changed, nothing that could be seen in a mirror anyway. But he stared and tried to figure out what he would look like when he's taller and leaner. Tried to imagine himself in ripped up jeans with dark ink lines peeking out from under his shirt. Jeff had never been very good at art, but he pulled up the shirt sleeve and started drawing on his bicep with a Sharpie. It was a poor imitation, his skin was too pale, too soft, he thought of Eric who was everything he never knew he always wanted to be.

He slept in the shirt every night for a week.

His mom never noticed the missing button-up.

\---

The t-shirt sat folded on his dresser. He made sure to let the housekeeper know that it was a Very Important shirt and she should take special care in washing it. Jeff wanted to do it himself but no one ever taught him how to use the machines, he knew he'd do more damage than good. He tried to convince himself to keep it for another week, the marker tattoos had faded and it was the only reminder of the person he knew he would one day be. But he reminded himself that in returning it, he would get to see Eric again, so he put it in his book bag and carried it around school all day. His classmates had no idea that he was carrying around his future in the shape of a beat up t-shirt.

He was looking forward to seeing Eric for several reasons, the primary one though, was the mix cd. He had played it over and over again so many times he was afraid he might wear it out. He Googled the lyrics, he had he artist names and song titles. He memorized facts about each artist in case Eric asked him which track was his favorite and why. The answer was The Smiths. If asked, he planned on saying it was The Pixies; he had never heard anything like their music before. But in reality it was The Smiths. He just didn't want to admit that Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want made him feel more at peace with who he was than any pep talk the adults in his life had ever given him. There was someone else who understood how longing can make you feel raw and empty, like your guts had been carved out and all you were left with was a hollow shell.

 

Rain clouds were looming in the distance but Jeff continued to stall in front of the store. His fear of seeing Eric was irrational but that didn't make it any less real. He eyed the sky, along with the bus schedule, and knew he needed to get on with it. The thought of being stranded in the rain was enough to motivate his feet to move.

The store looked exactly the same, Jeff wasn’t sure why he expected it to have changed, it had only been a week. He looked around the store and saw an older man in the corner leafing through records, actual vinyl records, and a woman around Eric's age at the counter. He hadn't taken into consideration the fact that Eric may not even be working.

His nerves were twisted but there was something approachable about the girl working. She had blunt bangs and wide eyes, Jeff knew she was pretty, but she didn't knock his entire world off course the way Eric had. He knew that said more about him than the girl, Eva, her name tag read. "Is Eric here?" he felt guilty almost immediately, manners had been instilled in him at a young age and his mother would have been appalled if she saw him. He licked his lips, almost faltering when he felt the nearly healed cut in his lip and the memories it evoked, "I mean, hi. How are you? Is Eric here?"

Eva looked amused and Jeff was relieved, if she were offended she'd be less likely to help him. "You are fucking adorable." she said with a grin which only grew larger when the look of shock crossed over his face. Obviously he'd heard words like that before, even used them a few times when he was losing spectacularly at whatever video game his parents bought him. But he just wasn't expecting a store employee to speak to him in such a manner. He was caught off guard is all.

"I..." Jeff didn't know how to respond, he didn't want to ask about Eric again when it was obvious he wasn't working, but to turn and leave seemed rude, even if the girl clearly didn't care about what was, and was not, proper manners.

"He took the night off. The Wailers are playing tonight." she rolled her eyes but it was playful, not malicious. He wondered if she and Eric were close, he envied her for getting to work along side Eric. Jeff told himself they only met once, he had no claim over Eric. Eva watched him curiously as if he were an insect she'd never seen before and was trying to figure out if she should let him pass or crush him with her heel. She must have seen something worthy in his face because she reached for a stack of flyers and handed one to Jeff. The paper was bright orange and cut crudely in half, it listed half a dozen band names and the name of a bar Jeff had passed dozens of times but never ventured inside. He mumbled a ‘thank you’ and left quickly, he caught the bus home and spent the entire ride staring at the ad.

He didn’t even realize it was raining until he walked into his house and noticed the water puddling at his feet.

He knew what he should do. He should wait until Monday and drop by the store again. Jeff stuck out in a record shop so he had no business going to a rock concert. Even if he went there would be no guarantee that he'd even see Eric. And what would he say if he did? Hi. I came by the shop looking for you but a pretty girl said you'd be here so I came too! The decision whether or not to go was a seemingly inconsequential decision. Every Friday night people around the world had to decide to stay in or go out. For Jeff it had never been a decision. He stayed in and worked on homework, messed around on his computer a bit, lost himself in books where the hero overcame every fear and always got the girl.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, his tie loose around his neck, he studied the flyer. He was tired of sitting in his bedroom all weekend long, he was tired of the books and the hundreds of channels that could never hold his attention. But mostly he was tired of being alone. Alone and afraid.

In the end the decision wasn't difficult at all.

Jeff's bedroom became a hurricane of clothing, he had never cared about clothing so everything he owned was exactly what his mother thought he should wear. He had khakis and polos and cargo shorts, nothing that would be appropriate to wear into a show. Jeff dug through the last drawer and pulled out a pair of worn jeans. They were tight around his butt and his thighs, too many hours spent at the ice rink, but it was better than wearing Dockers. The search for an appropriate shirt served to be even more fruitless, then he caught sight of himself in the mirror. His undershirt was white and made of thin cotton, the v of the neck was slight, just enough to show the meeting of his collarbones. It would have to do.

\--

The flyer was clutched in his hand as if he'd need to show it at the door, proof that he belonged where he clearly did not, his mom always said the best events were by invitation only. But there was no one at the door, he just walked inside and, to his immediate relief, no one even noticed he had arrived. He pocketed the flyer and held tight to Eric's shirt. He felt silly carrying it around and was almost hoping he wouldn't run into Eric. Self-doubt loomed over him like a shadow but he knew he had at least an hour before the bus would be back through to take him home. He had to play it cool for sixty minutes. He told himself it wouldn't be too hard, he'd been pretending for fourteen years, one hour was nothing.

There was a stage in the corner of the bar and it looked like one band had just finished and they were trying to pack up while the next band was trying to set up. Jeff was absorbed in the way the musicians danced around each other, so much so that he hadn't noticed the group of guys making their way towards the stage. It wasn't until one of them bumped into him that he realized the crowd was migrating away from the bar and towards the stage. Jeff took a few steps back, trying to avoid the swell of bodies when he heard his name. Of course Eric would catch sight of him shrinking away from the crowd. Small and terrified.

When he finally found Eric he realized he was in the group of guys who'd just barreled passed him. He expected to see Eric looking confused or even angry, but he was just smiling as he made his way over towards Jeff's safe haven. "What are you doing here?" he yelled over soundcheck, nursing a beer that was obviously not his first.

Jeff had never felt younger than when he held up Eric's shirt, "I wanted to return your shirt..." His voice trailed off as he took in what Eric was wearing, the short sleeve button up was taut across his chest, and while that made his mouth go dry, it was what he was wearing around his neck that caught Jeff's attention, "Is that my tie?"

Eric looked down at the tie as if he couldn't quite remember what he was wearing. His smile was loose and sloppy, "No. It's my tie. You threw it away." Eric held up the end of the tie, grin still blinding as he pointed out, "The blood makes it more punk rock."

The fear that maybe Eric had forgotten all about him throughout the course of the week was replaced with the knowledge that he was wearing Jeff's tie, complete with a few spots of his blood. Eric must have taken Jeff's silence as repulsion because his hands went up to the knot as if to slide it open. Before Jeff could process the action he reached up and covered Eric's hands with his own, "Don't. It looks good on you."

Jeff was grateful for the darkness in the club, he could feel his face growing hot and knew he was probably bright red. Eric either didn't notice, or decided to let Jeff off the hook. "How about you keep the shirt, that way we're even." Jeff figured he should have protested, he really shouldn't be taking Eric's property, but he really, really wanted to keep the shirt. He grinned so wide that he was threatening to tear open the healed wound on his lip. Eric's reached up to cradled his jaw and brushed his thumb against the healing cut, "Something tells me you didn't come all the way down here to just return my shirt."

The band was starting but Jeff just kept looking up into Eric's eyes, he wasn't sure what he was feeling but it was intense, his heart was thundering so violently he feared it would break free of his chest. Jeff was seconds away from confessing that he'd taken two buses into a strange part of town just to see Eric again but Jeff couldn't find the words to explain what he could barely understand himself. Thankfully before he could speak, Eric laughed and dropped his hand away from Jeff's face. Jeff had to remind himself that there was no way Eric could know that Jeff hadn't been able to think about anything but him since the moment they met.

"It's The Wailers, right?" the way Eric smiled, as if Jeff was making him proud, it was something that would be burned into Jeff's memory for a long time to come. "I remember sneaking off to shows when I was your age." it was almost funny how wrong Eric was. Jeff didn't have to sneak off anywhere, his parents were rarely home, and even when they were, they would be ecstatic if they knew he was going out with friends. Jeff's parents had put a lot of expectations on him as their only child, the educational ones were the only ones he'd met. If Eric wanted to think he was sneaking out of his house in the name of rock and roll, well, Jeff was fine with that. "Are you here with anyone?" Eric looked around but Jeff supposed none of the other club-goers looked like prep school kids. Jeff was just grateful that it wasn't painfully obvious how alone he was. He just clutched the shirt and shook his head.

Eric reached down for his hand and led him through the thick crowd of people towards the group Jeff had seen him with earlier. He motioned for Jeff to get in front of him and Eric easily settled his hands on Jeff's hips, leaning into Jeff's personal space he yelled into his ear, "Stay close to me, no matter what happens."

As it turns out, no matter what happens, was referring to the mosh pit that erupted in the middle of the dance floor. Jeff was quick to press into Eric's body, unwilling to get separated from him, terrified that he'd end up thrust into the middle of the frantic mess of bodies. The fear was what kept him pressed into Eric's body. It had nothing to do with how solid Eric felt behind him, nothing to do with the press of Eric's hips against his ass. 

The show wound down and Jeff was covered in sweat, not all of it his, his hair curling in a way that only served to make him look even younger, his clothes were rumpled and he knew the ringing in his ears wouldn't stop for hours. 

He had never felt more alive.

As the crowd started to dissipate he had no reason to be pressed against Eric so he moved away slowly, regretting each inch he put between their bodies. Eric was gesturing to the guys Jeff had spotted him with earlier, he seemed to be unaware of Jeff's presence and Jeff wondered if that was it. If the camaraderie ended along with the music. He wondered if he was already supposed to be gone, if Eric's invitation didn't extend further than shelter from the raging crowd. But before Jeff could slip away he heard Eric, "Get over here assholes, I wanna introduce you to someone."

Eric's hand clamped down on Jeff's neck, fingers crushing sweaty curls. Jeff hoped Eric couldn't feel how hard his heart was pounding from such a simple gesture, "Jeff, this is Chad, Justin, Cam and Sasha. Guys, this is Jeff." Eric sounded oddly excited, as if Jeff was someone making a production over, instead of just an awkward kid, obviously out of place.

The guys were as confused as Jeff seemed to be, Chad even went as far as to grin, "I didn't realize you started babysitting."

Jeff was grateful that his face was red from the heat and the energy of the show. He wasn't sure if it was his place to respond but he didn't have to. Eric's hand moved from his neck and slid around his shoulders, drawing Jeff into an awkward side-hug, "Don't be a dick. Jeff is awesome and you guys are just jealous because he hooks me up with rad ties." Eric tugged at his tie with his free hand and made a face that caused the group to erupt in laughter. Jeff didn’t know what kind of people they were, so he just hoped it wasn't at his expense. 

The conversation devolved rather quickly when one of the guys suggested the hit up the after-party at a bar down the street. Jeff could feel Eric tense and he figured he was looking for a gentle way to dismiss him. "I gotta get going anyway, thanks for..." he nodded towards the stage and gestured with the hand still clutching the t-shirt, in effect adding the word everything. 

Jeff assumed Eric would be grateful to get rid of him but he looked down with a frown, biting the corner of his lip in thought before finally speaking, "How are you going to get home?"

This caught Jeff off guard, Eric seemed genuinely concerned about his safety, probably thanks to the bullies that busted his lip. "The bus." he tried to keep the confusion out of his voice, still unsure as to why someone like Eric was so concerned, almost to the point of being protective. He reminded himself that Eric had a brother Jeff’s age, he wondered if they were close, if this is the kind of thing he would do for his little brother.

"C'mon man." one of Eric's friends was standing by the door, Jeff could see the others loitering around on the sidewalk. Jeff ached for friends like that, a group of people who would welcome him for who he was, not for what they wanted him to be. He didn't even get that at home.

Jeff turned towards the door, ready to make his trek down to the bus stop, it would be less than an hour, a small price to pay for the best night of his life. Eric's voice broke through his thoughts, "Gimme your cell phone." Jeff wanted to ask why, wanted to protest that he wasn't a child and he didn't need to be checked up on, but before he could open his mouth, the phone was in Eric's hands. It was as if Jeff's body moved independently, it followed Eric's directions without Jeff's consent. 

He watched Eric punch some buttons and felt oddly proud. He'd gone to a concert at a bar in the bad part of town, spent the evening pressed against the object of every masturbatory fantasy he'd had in the last week, and was now getting his number. It was less scandalous than his mind made it out to be but it was still a big deal. "Text me when you get home." he looked, for lack of a better word, serious. "I mean it Jeff, if I don't get my beauty sleep because I'm up all night worried about you I will be very upset."

It was probably the intoxication of the evening that caused Jeff to roll his eyes, "Like you need it." 

Panic was about to set in. Eric was the closest thing he had to a friend, and Jeff was hitting on him. It was mortifying. He half-expected Eric to recoil from his position so close to Jeff (he didn't really think Eric was the type to hit someone over a fairly innocent comment), but instead Eric's head fell back with laughter. He was beautiful and Jeff was left breathless. "I knew there was a reason I liked you." Eric made his way towards the door, turning to wink at Jeff, calling out, "Text me!" before he was pulled into the darkness of the city streets.

\---

Jeff didn't usually mind Mondays, typically because weekends were spent caged in the too large house, alone even when he wasn't, or riding the bus just to see the sites. In Raleigh, North Carolina, there weren't many. But this Monday was ticking by painfully slow. During his lunch period he received a text message, When r u free??? Jeff checked twice to make sure it had come from Eric, although he couldn't imagine who else it might be. He started one message, Aren't adults supposed to spell better? But he was afraid Eric might not understand that he was joking so he erased it and tried, Aren't you too old to type like a little girl? but he didn't want to draw attention to the age difference. Finally he went with 3:15. He told himself not to expect an immediate response, reminded himself that Eric was at work and might... He got a return text not even two minutes later, Come c me??? Before Jeff could reply his phone buzzed again, Pleeeeezeee. Bored! Need company and coffee. STAT! 

Smiling at school was a foreign concept, but the grin stretched across his face was overwhelming all of his features. See you at 4. Jeff was completely gone on Eric, his ridiculous punctuation and all.

Jeff felt a little less hopeless arriving at the record shop with coffee and pastries in hand, he felt more like he had a purpose. He doubted he'd ever really feel like he belonged, he didn’t fit in at school with his peers, he didn't fit in among Eric with his loud music and ripped up jeans, but being around him did make the pain of being fourteen lessen a little. 

Pushing open the door he forced himself to breathe, to relax a little, he had been smiling so widely his face ached and he knew that only made his dimples more noticeable. He wondered if he would ever look his age, if he would ever feel comfortable in his body. Always too small, too soft. One look at Eric and he understood what it meant to covet. 

He put the drinks on the counter and looked around the shop, it looked deserted, no customers and no employees, "Hello?" he called out, getting on his tiptoes to look over the counter as if Eric might be hiding, "Eric?"

Jeff heard muffled voices and the sound of something in the back room being knocked over. "Be right out!" he knew the voice so he started to unpack the to-go bag. He'd gotten half a dozen different pastries, if it was true that the way to a man's heart was through his stomach, then Eric would have no choice but to fall in love with him. Or at least invite him to stop by more often. 

"Hey. Sorry about that, I thought Eva was out here." Eric's voice pulled him out of his thoughts, he looked up and what he saw made his smile fall away immediately. Eric's lips were red and swollen, his pupils were pinpricks and his clothes were rumpled. Cam stepped out from behind him looking equally as debauched. Jeff's stomach dropped.

It wasn't as if he expected Eric to see him as anything but a little kid, but now the hope of One Day had been taken from him. Cam reached over Jeff to grab one of the scones from the counter. Jeff was tempted to slap his hand away, tell him those were for Eric. But he was feeling so devastatingly heartbroken that the idea of even looking Eric in the eye was too much to bear.

He looked between Cam and Eric and stepped away from the counter, "I'm just gonna go..." he said awkwardly. He wanted desperately to act like an adult but was feeling every bit the broken hearted teenager that he actually was. The broken hearted teenager that wanted to remind Eric that he had invited Jeff down, begged actually. That he had asked for coffee and Jeff came running. But Jeff figured that said more about him than Eric.

"What? No. You can't leave." he sounded surprised and a bit thrown off by Jeff's offer, "Dude, you just got here and I a cd for you. It's around here somewhere..." Jeff looked around as if it might jump out at any moment. 

Jeff looked towards Cam but couldn't meet his eyes either, just looked at his chest which was covered in crumbs from the food Jeff had brought. "No, really. It's fine." Jeff prayed his voice sounded steadier to Eric than it did to himself. "You seem... busy. I can stop by another day."

Cam's laughter made Jeff's blood boil, he had never wanted to punch someone more in his entire life. The thing was, it wasn't mean or taunting, it was amused and that hurt more. "I know when I'm not wanted. I gotta run anyway." He reached over Jeff and grabbed a muffin from the counter, "Thanks for the food kid, you're welcome to come visit me at work anytime." Jeff's entire body tightened, he hating being patronized, he wanted to tell Cam to go fuck himself. But words like that never came naturally and he didn't know if he wanted to be the kind of person to throw them around. "Staalsy, I'll catch ya later." Jeff wondered if Staalsy was a pet name, he hated Cam even more for that. For having something that Jeff wasn't a part of. Which was silly because he'd only known Jeff for two weeks, he reminded himself again that he had no claims on the older man. 

"Sorry about him." Eric said as they watched Cam exit the store, "He's a good guy but he can kinda come off as a dick." Jeff wanted to demand an explanation of why Eric spent time with him in dark rooms, if he was such a dick, but Jeff knew he would never ask, and reminded himself that it really wasn't any of his business. Before he could think of anything to say, Eva stepped in from the backdoor, even silhouetted by an alleyway, she was beautiful. Jeff had to admit it was partly because he had had a pretty good idea now that she and Eric were just friends. 

Eric tried to look frustrated, but Jeff could tell with eyes like hers, no one stayed mad at her for long, "I asked you to watch the front desk, you took a smoke break like half an hour ago."

"Excuse me, not all of us get hand jobs at work..." she smirked, watching as Eric's face contorted in a look of horror. 

"I was't..." he looked from her, down to Jeff, "Dude, I wasn't." Jeff didn't know why Eric thought he owed him an explanation, it was none of his business if Eric was getting busy at work.

Jeff just shrugged, he had suffered through enough "family dinners" that he was no stranger to awkward situations. "I should get going anyway, I have homework and stuff..." Jeff did have a paper coming due, but he was nearly finished, the perk of too much free time. But he was finding it hard to look at Eric, to know that Cam's hands had been all over him. To know that he would never be anything more than a silly kid to Eric. His chest ached in a new way and Jeff figured it was the pain of a broken heart. It was so cliche but suddenly more of the songs on Eric's mix tape were starting to make sense.

"No." Eric said in a clipped tone, Jeff's head jerked up, eyes wide with surprise. This was something he was familiar with, anger and disappointment. Even Eva stopped grinning. "We're going to the break room." his eyes finally left Jeff and turned towards Eva, "Can you handle things for me." It wasn't a question.

Jeff followed Eric numbly towards the back. He didn't understand what he'd done to make Eric so upset, but that wasn't new, he never knew what he did to make his father upset either. He was used to the lectures by now; be stronger, be harder, be better. So when Eric spoke he expected to hear the anger still in his voice, but all he heard was disappointment, "I thought we were friends, Jeff."

Friends. Jeff had been afraid to apply that label to their relationship because he felt too young and awkward to be friends with someone like Eric. "We are..." his voice lilted up, he wanted to sound confident and self-assured however it was coming out as more of a question than anything else.

"So is this going to be a big deal?" Eric asked, his hands shoved in his pockets, standing over Jeff where the younger man had all but fallen into a beat up old couch that served as a divider between the locker area and the kitchenette. 

Jeff looked up at him wide-eyed. It was intimidating have Eric towering over him, he was already so much taller but this position made him feel impossibly small. He searched Eric's face for the proper response, he didn't want to frustrate Eric any further but he was so confused, finally he went with the truth, "I don't understand?"

It may have not been the answer Eric was looking for, but it calmed him down immediately. Eric collapsed into the opposite end of the couch, looking out towards the sink, Jeff wasn't sure but he almost felt that Eric was afraid to see his reaction as he said, "Jeff. I'm gay. Is that going to be a problem for you?"

The room was silent and Jeff was so glad Eric could only hear his inhale and exhale, because if he could hear Jeff's heart, he would hear how fast it was pounding. It wasn't because Eric was gay, it was because he'd never heard anyone ever announce it. When Jeff stared into the mirror at home, he tried to say the words out loud, "I'm gay." but his tongue always stumbled over them. The words were almost painful to say yet Eric said them as if they were no big deal. As if the words had no power over him. There was nothing about Eric that Jeff didn't envy.

Only Eric saying his name softly pulled him out of his reverie, "If it makes you uncomfortable, I understand if you don't want to spend time together anymore." The phrasing was strange, because the only time they'd spent together was at the record shop and at the concert. Still, Eric seemed like he'd be disappointed if Jeff no longer wanted to be around him. It was odd, to be on the other end, to be the one with the power to say no, instead of being the one always hearing it.

"Is Cam your boyfriend?" Jeff hadn't meant to ask such an intrusive question, and it really wouldn't make a difference either way, but he had to know. He wanted Eric to be happy but something about Cam didn't sit right with him. It may have been because Cam looked at Eric the same way Jeff did. But Jeff didn't want to think about that now. Or ever.

Eric laughed, the first sign of him relaxing, "No Cam and I are friends." He ran the palms of his hands over his thighs, staring straight ahead as he added, "Friends who occasionally help each other out. Neither of us are really looking for anything serious and... why am I telling you this?" He laughed again, this time it wasn't as light hearted, "I don't have a lot of people that I trust. Eva runs her mouth, as you saw earlier, and my friends are dicks and I...." He finally looked back over at Jeff, "I trust you."

Jeff understood the enormity of the statement and before he could actually make the decision to do so, he blurted out, "I don't really like girls." He couldn't bring himself to say the word gay, and saying; sometimes I think about kissing guys, was just as bad. But this he could say, he could offer this part of himself to Eric, he could show Eric that the trust went both ways. It was the closest he'd ever been to "coming out".

He curled his fists, nails biting into his palms, he felt sick with anxiety, his heart was pounding in his ears. What if Eric dismissed him, told him he was just a kid, patted him on his head and sent him away. There was nothing worse than condescension. 

Jeff was trying to psych himself up to turn and look at Eric, but before he could, he felt the couch shift and Eric's arm draped around his shoulder, pulling their bodies tightly together. "Thank you for telling me, Jeff." something in his voice made Jeff think that Eric had suspected, but Jeff didn't want to think about anything other than how good it felt to be pressed against Eric's body. 

"It does get better." Eric said softly, pressing his lips against Jeff's temple, "Sometimes it takes a long time. Longer than you think you can bear, but you'll get there. The bullies, the bullshit, eventually it stops." 

Jeff was almost too caught up in the not-quite-kiss at his temple but the words sunk in slowly. He didn't mean to laugh, really he didn't, he appreciated that Eric was sharing something so personal with him, but didn't for a moment believe that Eric understood what he was going through. "I find it really hard to believe anyone ever called you a faggot before they split your lip." he wasn't laughing anymore. 

The worse part was how easy it was to call himself a faggot, while he couldn't even say the word gay. 

"No. You're right." Eric turned on the couch so he was facing Jeff and reached for his hand, folding their fingers together tightly. "Remember when I told you I had a brother your age? I actually have three brothers. All younger." 

The pain evident in Eric's face, as Jeff watched him speak, "When I came out to my parents, they didn't understand. We're from a small town, they... didn't take it well." Eric took a deep breath, trying to school himself. All Jeff could do was squeeze his hand and wait. "They told me they didn't want me around my brothers, afraid it was contagious or afraid I'd like, recruit them." he laughed without humor, "They kicked me out that night and I haven't spoken to them since."

The silence stretched for several heartbeats before Jeff finally spoke up, "My parents don't know where I am." Eric looked a little startled by the confession, as if he thought Jeff might be a runaway, "I don't mean just right now, I mean, ever. My dad travels a lot for work, my mom had made vacationing a full-time job. They're gone more than they're home. That night I went to see you, er, The Wailers, they were in California. They never even knew I was gone."

When Eric didn't respond, Jeff just shrugged his shoulders, "It's not as bad as, like, being kicked out or whatever..." He felt a little dejected, he never talked about his parents and he expected more from Eric. It wasn't as traumatic as what Eric had gone through but coming home to an empty house hurt in a way Jeff couldn't express.

This time it was Eric's eyes going wide, "No. Jeff, I wasn't. I wasn't minimizing what you're going through. I was thinking how shitty it is that your parents aren't around to see what an awesome person you're growing into." Eric reached up to cup Jeff's jaw, ensuring that Jeff had to look right into his eyes, it reminded him of the first time they met, only Jeff wasn't bleeding and Eric wasn't just a good samaritan. He was everything. "You are amazing Jeff." before he could protest, Eric shook his head and smiled softly, "The worst part is that you don't even know it."

Jeff's heart was beating wildly in his chest, he could barely breathe, afraid that any movement might break the moment. He had stopped believing in miracles long ago, but when Eric leaned in and brushed their lips together, it couldn't be anything but. His eyelashes fluttered shut and he tried to memorize every detail of the kiss. He didn't want to forget the feeling of Eric's lips on his own, or their hands clasped together, or how even with his eyes closed he could still feel how much bigger Eric was. 

Eric pulled back and Jeff couldn't open his eyes, still caught up in the moment, dumbfounded by how much better reality was than his fantasies. It wasn't until Eric's thumb brushed across his lower lip that he managed to pull his eyes open. Eric was watching him as if he'd only just seen him. As if he if had only discovered Jeff in that moment. 

His hand fell away from Jeff's face, "I gotta get back to work." his voice was strained and his body was starting to tighten up but Jeff couldn't take his eyes off of Eric's tongue wetting his lips. He couldn't believe that he his lips had just touched that very spot. Later he was grateful that he was too shocked to be aroused, if he had to walk out of the staff room with an erection, his face would be caught in a permanent blush.

The abrupt change in mood didn't strike Jeff as odd, he just followed Eric out of the backroom, his feet moving without consent, as they often did in Eric's presence. He hadn't even realized he was outside until the bus pulled up to the curb. Being in a daze didn't even begin to describe the way he was feeling, it was almost an out of body experience. He had just been kissed by the one person in the world that mattered most. He told himself maybe Eric was right, maybe things did get better.

Things changed the night of Jeff’s fifteenth birthday. He showed up at the record shop after school, a pocket full of cash that his parents gifted him. They said he was old enough to buy what he wanted for himself but Jeff knew they just couldn’t be bothered to do anything other than write his name on the outside of an envelope. It bothered him less than it should have.

Eric grinned as soon as he caught sight of Jeff walking through the door, it made his heart race in a way that he was still embarrassed by. He was just grateful that Eric couldn’t tell. “I was thinking we could get dinner.” He hesitated, he felt like such a child, the feeling only amplified by the fact that Eric wouldn’t even imagine that Jeff was asking him on a date. He knew Eric wouldn’t say no, but just in case he added, “My treat.”

Jeff never understood the big deal people made over his dimples until he met Eric. Eric’s dimples didn’t come out nearly as often but that made it more exciting when he could draw them out. It was as if the smile was just for him. “I never turn down free food.” Eric laughed, tossing his nametag on the counter before calling over his shoulder, “Eva, I’m out!” He didn’t wait for a response, just followed Jeff out of the store as he pulled on his leather jacket. Not for the first time he was left breathless and awkward by how good looking Eric was. Jeff was reminded of a blond James Dean, it was so unfair to be so close to what you want, but at the same time, miles away.

Half way through dinner Jeff accidently let it slip that it was his birthday, at which point Eric made a big announcement to the entire diner. While Jeff was sinking down into the booth, cheeks bright red, Eric called the waitress over and ordered a piece of cake. She brought it out, complete with a candle, thanks to Eric’s announcement the entire diner sang to him. Eric’s voice was the only one he heard.

When he blew out the candle, his wish was sitting right across from him. 

Eric kept apologizing for not getting him a gift, for not even knowing it was his birthday, which Jeff thought was ridiculous because he’d gone out of his way to make sure no one knew. He didn’t much like being the center of attention. Eric offered to make it up to him, there was only thing Jeff wanted and it was too much to ask. Jeff suggested that they hang out a little longer, all he wanted for his birthday was to spend as little time at home as possible.

So naturally Eric invited him to stay the night at his apartment. As far as birthday wishes, it was as close as he was going to come. 

Jeff's mom raised him well, or well, his nannies did. So after two hours of video games, he knew better than to accept Eric's bed while Eric insisted upon crashing on the couch. Jeff's eyes were wide and he kept shaking his head, "I can't take your bed. I'm smaller than you, I'll sleep on the couch." He insisted until Eric looked slightly annoyed with him and Jeff would do just about anything to keep that look on Eric's face. "Thank you." he said quietly as he went into the bathroom to change into a pair of soft cotton pajama pants and another one of Eric's shirts. This one said "London Calling" across it, it wasn't as poetic as the last shirt, but it was just as treasured.

It was weird being in Eric's bedroom without him, he sat on the edge of an unmade bed and surveyed the room around him. There were clothes on the floor, along with record sleeves and discarded magazines. Jeff had always wanted a room that felt lived in, his own room was pristine, a combination of his mother's insistence and the maid that came twice a week. The posters on the wall were what really caught his eye. They were tour posters, probably torn off the walls of the venue Jeff had been at only a few weeks ago. Jeff made mental notes of the band names he hadn't heard of. 

Finally he convinced himself to turn off the light and settle back into bed. Sleeping, however, was a lot more difficult than he imagined. The sheets smelled like Eric and it was overwhelming. His heart rate picked up and even his dick started to come alive. The older Jeff got the less it took for his dick to get interested. He squeezed his eyes shut and took long, deep breaths, trying to will his body to calm down. He felt ridiculous being so keyed up from something so mundane as linens.

Jeff was finally starting to relax when he heard a knock at the front door. The apartment was small and even the sound of the tv on low echoed through the place. It wasn't long before he heard Eric's voice hissing, "What the hell are you doing here? It's after midnight and you're wasted."

"Since when do I need to be sober for us to fuck around? Now let me in." Jeff's stomach dropped so fast he could almost feel it, it was made worse by Cam's laughter. Cam knew exactly what he wanted and exactly how to get it. Jeff both hated and envied him.

Jeff had to strain to hear Eric, his voice was barely above a whisper, obviously trying not to disturb Jeff, "Keep your voice down. Jeff's asleep and you need to go home Cam. Sleep it off." Eric sounded annoyed, which pleased Jeff more than it should. 

However, it didn't seem to deter Cam in anyway, "Aww, that's sweet Staalsy. Did you read him a bedtime story before you tucked him in?" Either Eric didn't respond, or he did so quietly because all Jeff could hear was Cam, "You know that kid has such a hard-on for you. He probably jerked off all over your sheets." Jeff could feel his face burning, he couldn't believe Cam would talk about him like that. He had never felt so humiliated.

"You're being an asshole Cam. Don't talk about him like that, he's a good kid." hearing Eric refer to him as a kid hurt almost as much as Cam's words. "Now you need to leave before you wake him up."

The next thing Jeff heard was a thud and some muffled noises that didn't sound like words at all. Jeff wondered if they were fighting, if Cam was so upset about being turned away that things turned violent. Jeff grabbed his cellphone, ready to call the police if need be. He eased the bedroom door open and crept down the hallway, dreaming of coming to Eric's rescue, of being his hero, instead of the "good kid". 

Jeff slowly eased around the corner, thinking first that they were fighting, until he realized that Cam's had Eric pinned against the wall, his leg slotted in between Eric's, he watched Cam's mouth exploring Eric's as they rocked against the wall. The noises were nothing more than whimpers and groans. He didn't know how to feel. On one hand he was dizzy with arousal. He watched as Eric's head tipped back against the wall to expose the long line of his throat, his eyes fluttered shut as Cam's mouth slid against every inch of exposed skin. On the other head, Jeff didn't want Cam's hands on Eric's skin, he wanted to be the one touching Eric, the one pushing his hands under the hem of Eric's shirt, mapping out the lines of his chest. 

But mostly, Jeff wanted to be the one sinking to his knees, the one pulling Eric's fly open and easing his pants down. Jeff almost gasped when Eric's dick came into view. He knew he should turn and leave. Eric had been so good to him and Jeff wasn't even allowing him privacy. But it was like a magnet was keeping him in place, he couldn't leave if he wanted to. 

Jeff reached down to adjust himself and found his dick rock hard. He was afraid he might come in his pants just from watching something he obviously wasn't meant to see. He'd watched porn before but it was always cheesy and the guys were never right. Never tall enough, never blonde enough. But now he was seeing first hand what he'd imagined for weeks.

He watched as Eric reached down and fisted Cam's hair, he started to buck up into Cam's mouth. Eric was stunning, he was biting his lower lip, head lulled back, stomach exposed where Cam's hand was up under it, the angle suggested he was probably playing with Eric's nipples, he was still ruthlessly rocking his hips up into Cam's mouth. Jeff knew he would never forget the sight as long as he lived. 

Eric pulled his head up, probably to look down at Cam on his knees, but Jeff must not have been as stealthy as he thought he was, because they locked eyes. Jeff knew he needed to turn and run, but Eric didn't stop his movements, didn't shout for him to leave. If anything his hips sped up and got a little more forceful. All of a sudden Eric's body started to shake and it wasn't Cam's name, but Jeff's on his lips as he came. 

Jeff ran back to the bedroom.

He could hear Cam yelling, the entire floor probably could, "Did you just say that kid's name when I was blowing you?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!"

"What's wrong with me?" he hissed, trying to keep his voice down, even though Cam didn't seem as concerned with the neighbors as he was, "I told you he was asleep and I guess we woke him up because he came around the corner and he scared the shit outta me." Jeff knew that wasn't true at all. He had been watching and Eric knew it. "We probably scarred him for life." Eric sounded put upon, there were rustling noises which Jeff assumed were Eric's pants coming up, "I need to go talk to him and you need to leave."

Jeff was half hoping that Eric was just saving face, that he had no intention of talking to Jeff, that he just wanted an excuse to make Cam leave. But no sooner had the front door opened than someone was knocking on the bedroom door. Jeff was grateful the shirt he was wearing was too big because his dick was still hard despite everything that had just happened. "C'min." he didn't know why Eric was knocking on his own door, and he was about to point out that he didn't have to, but the guilt on Eric's face was overwhelming.

"I am so sorry." the words rushed out before Jeff could say anything and now that they were out, he wasn't sure what he should say. Eric was watching him expectantly, he was waiting for something although Jeff wasn't sure what. "I didn't mean to... I just... Fuck." Eric ran his hands through his hair, which was still wrecked from his attempt to sleep on the couch, "Do you want me to take you home?"

Jeff's eyes went wide, searching Eric's face for any clues as to what was really going on. The last thing he wanted was to go home. "No! Eric, I..." he looked down at his hands where they were balled up in his lap, he was still willing his dick to soften, although Eric's words were starting to help in that situation, "I'm the one that should be apologizing. I shouldn't have been watching. You let me into your home and I-" 

He was prepared to let his apology ramble on but Eric cut him off, he looked almost angry. "Don't. Don't apologize to me, Jeff. I knew you were there..." He seemed to almost deflate as he said, "I should have stopped." Pausing his words must have caused him to lose some of his anger because Jeff was realizing it had just been masking something else. Whatever it was was too big for him to understand, he just watched as Eric's shoulders sagged and he whispered, "I am so fucked up." 

Jeff hated the way people saw him, even at fifteen he still looked like a little boy. It didn't matter what he wore or how he cut his hair, he always looked years younger than he was. But he never felt young until that moment. Until he had no idea what to say to make all of his okay again. 

When Jeff started to speak it was almost as softly, "When I got home from school there was a birthday card filled with cash and a note that said, sorry we couldn't be there, have fun with your friends, love mom and dad." Jeff's body had most started to obey but his eyes were the one thing he couldn't seem to get under control. Finally he managed to force himself to look up at Eric, all he saw there was confusion. Eric wasn't going to make this easy. "They could have been here, but they're not. You are. For the first time in my life, I'm okay with who I am and it's all because of you."

Eric's eyes blinked slowly as if coming out of a stupor. He looked over at Jeff and just studied him, the silence stretched between them and Jeff knew this silence wasn't his to fill. Finally, "Jeff, I..." his voice came out as a ragged whisper and he cleared his throat to try again, "Jeff, you are an amazing kid and I consider-" This time Eric cut himself off, watching Jeff's expression as he winced, "You don't like it when I call you a kid, do you?"

Jeff dropped his eyes and looked away into the dark corner of Eric's bedroom. Actions spoke louder than words.

"The reason I call you kid," he reached up to touch the underside of Jeff's jaw with his finger, waiting for Jeff to turn and face him again, "The reason I call you a kid is because I need to keep reminding myself that you're something I can't have. You're so young and if anyone touched my little brother the way I want to touch you, I would kill them." The fierce look in Eric's eyes made Jeff believe he wasn't kidding, "I want you so bad and I hate myself for it."

Of all the things Eric could have said at that moment, nothing could have surprised him more. He would have thought Eric was placating him but he looked so serious. His expression was so intense, so full of self-loathing that Jeff did the only thing he could think to do. He leaned up and pressed his lips to Eric’s. There were no words to tell Eric that everything would be okay, he had to show him.

This kiss was longer than the one they'd shared in the backroom at the record shop, but it was just as chaste. Neither of them moved to deepen the kiss and before Jeff could properly work up the nerve, Eric pulled back. Jeff's heart sank as Eric shook his head, "We can't. I can't." His face was pleading, there was desperation etched into every line of his face.

Maybe if Jeff were older, were more mature, he would have handled the situation better. As it was, he was fifteen and horny and the only person he'd ever wanted just confessed that the feeling was mutual. "Please Eric." he knew he sounded just as desperate as Eric looked, "I know your friends think I'm a joke, I know they laugh at me. But the way I feel about you isn't a joke, Eric." 

Jeff had never been confident or bold in his entire life, but he knew this was the one chance that really mattered. This was the one night that could change everything. He leaned into Eric's ear, maybe it was a low blow but Jeff was willing to try anything, "For once in my life, let me get what I want."

Maybe it was the lyrics, maybe Eric knew that song was on the cd he'd slipped to Jeff the first day they met, or maybe Eric knew how much Jeff wanted this. How much they both wanted this. Because before Jeff could come up with another argument as to why this was okay, they were kissing and this time, it wasn't chaste. 

Eric was leaning over him, his lips pressed against Jeff's for only a few moments before his tongue brushed against Jeff's lips seeking entrance. Jeff had always been nervous about his first kiss. He expected it to be awkward and uncomfortable. Just the idea of someone else's tongue in his mouth was always unsettling. But this wasn't just someone, it was Eric, his entire body felt electrified. Eric wasn't another fumbling school boy, he was a man and he knew exactly what he was doing. He was claiming Jeff's mouth for himself and Jeff delighted in every second of it.

Jeff had spent so long imagining what it would be like when he finally got Eric like this, his head was swimming with possibilities. He curled his fists in Eric's shirt and lay back against the mattress, pulling Eric down on top of him. He didn't want to break the kiss let out a tiny gasp when Eric's body settled over his own and Eric pulled back immediately. Eric looked down at him, face lined with anxiety and indecision. "Please," Jeff whispered, his voice thick with lust, "Eric, I need... Just... Please." Whatever Eric saw on his face must have been enough because the indecision was replaced by determination. He leaned down and pressed his face into Jeff's neck, kissing and sucking at the skin there, which had Jeff making noises he didn't know his vocal cords were capable of.

Jeff's head pressed back into the mattress, bowing his body so his hips were straining up. The first brush of his hips against Eric made his entire body shiver, his eyes flew open as he bit into his bottom lip. Eric was studying his face, watching intently as he rocked his hips down against Jeff, despite the height difference Eric lined their bodies up perfectly. He watched the arousal play out across Jeff's features before rolling their hips together again. Jeff knew he was just making sure, just reassuring himself that this was something Jeff wanted as well. Jeff couldn't believe there could be a doubt in his mind.

The room was quiet save for the sounds of their breathing, Jeff's head was swimming and his heart was pounding and his dick was harder than it had ever been before. Jeff could feel the head of his dick slipping against the fabric of his boxer-briefs, a wet spot growing larger with every press of Eric's body against his own. 

"Can I?" the words echoed in through the silence as Jeff's hands were paused just under the hem of Eric's shirt, waiting for his permission. As long as he'd known Eric he'd dreamed about those blacklines disappearing under his shirt and now was his chance to explore Eric's body. He was going to take advantage of it.

It didn't take more than a split second for Eric to nod his head and to lean up so Jeff could pull his shirt off. It wasn't as graceful as he would have liked, the angle was odd and it got caught around Eric's head and his left arm, but the way they both laughed about it was perfect. Jeff had read enough women's magazines to know that the best sex was the sex you could laugh during. And the adoration on Eric's face when he looked down at Jeff said that he was enjoying it as well. 

Eric reached down to cup his cheek, thumb brushing over his lower lip but this time Jeff knew that they were swollen and red from being pressed up against Eric's. "Wanted this for so long." he mumbled, Jeff wasn't even sure if that was meant for him to hear or not. With his heart thundering in his chest he opened his lips, tongue brushing against Eric's thumb before coaxing it into his mouth. It felt kind of strange, his tongue working over the pad of Eric's thumb, but the look on Eric's face was unmistakable. Any lingering doubts had been chased away, Eric's indecision was gone. He wanted this as much as Jeff did, something that reassured Jeff more than he realized.

It gave him the confidence to reach up and press his palms against Eric's chest, he dragged his hands over his warm skin, marveling at how it felt to touch another person so intimately. He moved his hands over Eric's abs, watching the rapid rise and fall of his chest as he gasped for breath. Jeff wasn't the only one losing control of himself. Jeff's hands climbed back up his chest and out over his shoulders, finally finally getting to touch the tattoos he'd wondered about for so long.

The dark lines juxtaposed against his pale skin, the way the black bands intersected and overlapped, it was beautiful in a way he never would have able to understand until that moment. His fingers traced over the abstract shapes, memorizing every line in case this was his only opportunity to do so. He wanted to touch more, to pull all of Eric’s clothes off and explore every inch of his skin. But he knew Eric needed time. He needed to realize that what they were doing was okay. Instead he just pressed his hips up and choked back a moan when his erection pressed into Eric’s hip. This was more than he ever could have hoped for, being intimate in a way that transcended sex. He continued to let his fingers trace over the tattoos until his eyes fluttered shut and he came in his pants. 

He should have probably been embarrassed but he wasn’t. He was fifteen and aroused to the point of intoxication. He as lucky to have lasted as long as he had. What surprised him though, was Eric slipping his hand into his own pants and jerking off. Eric wasn’t a teenager anymore and Jeff knew that it was difficult for some people to get hard again after having just came. He watched the euphoria morph Eric’s features as he came, still hovering over Jeff where he lay, trying to catch his breath.

Both of them were a sticky mess, Jeff knew he needed to get up, that they both needed to clean up. But the weight of the day was taking it’s tolls and he pressed himself to Eric’s chest and sleep came only moments later.

When the light started to flood the room Jeff’s eyes opened slowly, disorientated at first as to his surroundings. The sun was just coming up but the blinds did little to shield from the sun, Eric didn’t even stir next to him, already used to the early morning sunlight. Jeff knew he should cherish this time with Eric while he had it. There was no telling how he would feel when he woke up, Jeff feared being dismissed but there had been something between them the previous night. Something that made him certain that this was more than a one-time thing. Jeff had dreamed about waking up next to Eric for so long that it hardly seemed real. But it was real. He propped himself up on his elbow and stifled a yawn. It was too early to get up but there was something so amazing about being a loud to see Eric like this, sleeping peacefully, completely relaxed and vulnerable. 

Eric mumbled something inaudible and moved in closer to Jeff, he was endearing when he slept and Jeff had to touch. He reached out to gently trace the arch of Eric’s cheekbone with the pad of his thumb, he didn’t want to wake the older man but he needed to touch. He watched at Eric’s expression changed with sleep, Jeff smiled softly as Eric was obviously in the throes of a very good dream if the sleep soaked smile was anything to go on. Jeff had always been a dreamer, with a family like his, it was his only escape but now he realized that his reality was better than any dream he could have ever have. He settled back down in bed, pressing closer to Eric, and he realized that, for once in his life, he was finally able to get what he wanted.


End file.
